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First Page! The old then the new (rough draft so comments welcome)

June 4, 2010 by Nicole 3 Comments

Chapter 1 – First page old draft

I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT!
I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT!

Jolting awake I scrabbled for my cell phone as the alarm blared obnoxiously.

“Shut. Up.” I growled hitting the off button. The noise ceased and I flopped back onto the bed in relief. Turning to put it back on my bedside table I realized I was jammed up against a warm body.

“Audi?”

The body began to shake as my dog started to wag her tail, whining contritely as she knew full well she wasn’t allowed on my bed.

“Audrey!” I used the disapproving tone she hated while struggling to turn over. She’d managed to pin me rather successfully to the bed. Growing frustrated I wrenched the covers back causing her to tumble off with a startled ‘woof!’

Sitting upright I crossed my arms and glared sternly at Audi as she looked up at me from the floor, she was lying on her belly her muzzle just on the bed as she whined an apology. Rolling my eyes at her I crawled out of bed and gave her an affectionate swat. Knowing she was forgiven she bounced around me dolling out sloppy kisses.

“Yuuucck! Enough!” I smiled down at her “let me make the bed and we’ll go for our run”

Just as the words left my mouth a blast of rain hit the window, I groaned. Great! That totally figures – nice start to the weekend.

There are times when I seriously wonder what it is that keeps me in Wellington. New Zealand is a stunning country and tourists love that it’s very ‘four seasons in one day’ but when you’ve been stuck on the ‘rainy, windy and cold’ channel for the last month.. Well, emigrating starts to sound nice, especially when hot sunny Australia is ‘just over the ditch’ as us kiwi’s like to say.

Flipping out the bed cover I nearly dropped it in shock when it emitted a loud growl.

Peeking cautiously underneath I discovered Lucky had made herself at home in my bed too. The tortoise-shell cat glared at me, how dare I disturb her sleep, that look said and she grumbled at me as she settled back down. But not for long. As I debated tossing her
 
New First page!
 
I slammed hard into the mat, grunting as I grappled with Nathan. Struggling as he attempted to keep me pinned, I managed to hook a leg round the back of his, then jerked his opposite arm out from under him causing us to roll. It didn’t go quite as intended, instead of been on top we rolled right over so I was pinned again.

“Aww Kittty Cat’s just a weak widdle girl” he sneered down at me. Annoyance flashed through me and this time I jerked my right knee up hard wrenching his left arm out, causing him to smack in to the ground. It was a satisfying sound. Before I could get his arm in a lock he pulled my arms forwards and slammed me into the mat. Again.

“Cat’s down!” our Sensei hollered as he tracked all the pairs in the room. Like hell I am, I growled in my mind and snatched at Nathan’s collar while wrapping my legs round his hips. A quick heft forwards with my legs and he was unbalanced enough for me to flick him over. I made a swift grab and twist with my arms so this time I had him. Gotta love a shoulder lock.

“HA!” I grinned in triumph at him while he scowled beneath me.
“Catherine wins!” Sensei had a huge grin on his face.
“Would you mind getting off me”, snapped Nathan.
I gave him a ‘I’m just a cute widdle girl’ smile then hopped up nice and casual, knowing it’d piss him off. He stalked to the side of the room with the others who’d lost.

So far I’d won three matches, not quite as good as Loi who just now brought Daniel to the ground. I’ll bet he’s grateful for the two inch mats right now, I smirked.


“Laura wins!” Sensei cried. “Fifth time. Come on you guys you aren’t really going to let yourselves be beaten by a girl?”

“She’s not a girl, she’s an Amazon” smart-arse Jason called out. I grinned at Kassie who was sitting on the sideline waiting her turn. He wasn’t wrong really, in looks and height Laura did have an ‘Amazon’ quality to her. Five eight with strong shoulders and a stunning hourglass figure she knew how to stop boys in their tracks. In more ways than one thanks to having a black belt in Brazilian Jujitsu.

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Filed Under: Pre 2016 posts Tagged With: first page drafts, Uncategorized

Comments

  1. subservient-husband says

    June 4, 2010 at 10:08 am

    wow, total rewrite, but sounds good. Maybe change
    "Come on you guys you aren’t really going to let yourselves be beaten by a girl?"

    to

    "Come on you guys you aren’t really going to let yourselves be beaten by girls?”

    otherwise, seems good to my eye.

    Reply
  2. Kerrin says

    June 5, 2010 at 12:43 am

    definately like the second one better! well done! Send me your updated version as i have some edits to it in mind already 🙂

    Reply
  3. Nicole MacDonald says

    June 5, 2010 at 7:18 am

    thanks SH – missed that one
    and K. I will I'm just still merging it with the rest of the story *grin* so soon I promise

    Reply

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